


I'll Stand by You

by Berytni



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M, Family Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Requited Love, Slow Build, Twingate, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 10:41:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30071022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berytni/pseuds/Berytni
Summary: Rollins prepares to give birth to Carisi’s twins, and vignettes of how they got there.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 25
Kudos: 42





	I'll Stand by You

**Author's Note:**

> I kept joking that if Rollins and Carisi slept together she would get pregnant with twins, and then I took it seriously whoops. Lots of feelings. This switches between past and present. Enjoy!

Amanda stares up at the ceiling of the Belleview Hospital maternity ward, a place she had been before for two pregnancies, two babies, and somehow she made it there again. This time, however, over her abdomen her hands rest twice as high.

For Jesse and Billie’s births, Sonny Carisi had been by her side. Her children were markers of their relationship and how it grew over time as he had helped her raise the two girls fathered by different men. Today it’s his turn, an irony as he’s stuck in court and she lays alone except for the two lives that accidentally came to be.

He rushes out of arraignment praying he’s not too late, that he hasn’t let her down, and that Amanda and both babies are safe. At her apartment on bedrest, her water broke a week before her scheduled c-section. She called her backup, Detective Tutuola, when she couldn’t get a hold of Carisi to take her to the hospital. Outside the courthouse, Sonny hails a cab and blanks out for the fifteen-minute drive uptown. It’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of his life, and it is, it will be, at least when he gets there. He pays double for the taxi out of convenience and runs inside.

“My…Amanda. Amanda Rollins,” he pants. The receptionist sees the same panicked look on a dozen men’s faces every day, and she tells him the corresponding room number. His scramble doesn’t impede his manners and he thanks the woman at the front desk before pushing away from the counter with a skip.

Somehow he still has his briefcase and it swings as he walks long and quick through the hospital corridors, his shoes that finally say “ADA” clicking against the vinyl. He finds Amanda’s room. He finds her - still alone, but only technically. She’s propped up against a pillow, her hair pulled roughly into a ponytail with a powder blue gown covering her body.

“Hey,” she whispers, picking a hand off her stomach to faintly wave in his direction.

Sonny approaches the bed. “Hey…hi, you’re okay? Everyone’s good? Where’s Fin?” He doesn’t mean to sound panicked, but he’s high with adrenaline.

“We’re good. Almost time. Getting me ice,” she says a little louder, her breaths heavier. “I’m...glad you’re here.”

“I’m sorry it wasn’t sooner.”

She blinks an understanding - he’d paid his dues.

Carisi holds her hands on top of the lives they’d meet soon. “Today’s the day, huh?”

\---

_It was that day she decided she had to tell him. Carisi could read her like a book, he clocked her first pregnancy, and she was paranoid that the fact that it was his baby would make him even more hyper-aware. They were friends with benefits if the benefits also included home-cooked meals and unrequited feelings of two people afraid to ruin a good thing._

_She asked him to meet her at a cafe on the other side of Manhattan for lunch to better avoid running into someone they knew. It was early spring and she took a table outside to feel less claustrophobic as she sipped at ginger tea. The air was sweet. She would have enjoyed the afternoon sun if she wasn’t lost in the shadows of her mind. Sonny spotted her from the sidewalk and sat across from her. He was tired but still smiled._

_“Thanks for meeting me,” she solemnly said._

_“Yeah, sure...but why’d we come all the way out here? I would have been happy to--”_

_“Carisi, I’m pregnant.”_

_His eyes widened. “I, uh, oh...wow...congratulations.”_

_“Sonny.”_

_“I’m...happy for you,” he said, looking to the side before pursing his lips._

_“You’re not making this easy.”_

_“Amanda, no hard feelings, really, I’m...glad you told me.”_

_“It’s only been you.”_

_For as long they’d been doing the casual thing he was surprised that there wasn’t a freckle of a chance it could be someone else’s kid. They weren’t exclusive even though she was the only one he wanted._

_His brow furrowed. “How…”_

_“I-I don’t know.”_

_They had been careful for this exact reason. Rollins had a hunch early on. She couldn’t tell if it was because she was older but the symptoms she had previously with Jesse and Billie hit her twice as hard, and she denied it longer than she should have._

_“Okay. Okay, wow. I...are you okay? How do you feel about all this?”_

_He’d known for one minute and was already doing better than Al._

_“I...I don’t know...I thought I was done having kids...and now I’ve got a third on the way with another guy.” She talked to him like a best friend. “Like, my momma was a lot of things but at least Kim and I have the same father.”_

_He leaned in and put his forearms on the table. “Well, I’d hope at this point I’m more than just another guy.”_

_“You know what I mean.”_

_“I do. I’m sorry.”_

_“You’ll do this with me, though?” she sighed._

_He smiled. “Well, it’d be kinda hard to do it without ’ya, Rollins."_

\---

There’s no one else she would want to do this with, though she’s not sure he knows that. They let her put off the emergency procedure until her partner got there, or until it was unsafe to wait any longer. Her partner. It’s funny how life works.

Carisi takes off his suit jacket because his skin swelters even though the room is frigid. She sweats her way through a contraction, her face contorted and hands gripping the sides of the hospital bed. He holds his breath remembering how she screamed when Jesse’s labor took an unexpected turn. She groans and drops her head back to the pillow, the pressure in her back slowly fading to a dull pinch.

“Does...does it hurt more with two?” he asks.

“Not really.”

He wants to do more to physically comfort her but isn’t sure what lines are okay to cross. It’s complicated. The door opens and the doctors are ready to prepare Amanda for surgery. Up to that point, she knew what to expect, how birthing one child was supposed to play out, and they’re about to cut two out of her. From the bed, she reaches through the bars and grabs his hand as he’s asked to leave momentarily, and wishes that he could come with her.

\---

_After Amanda scheduled her first doctor's appointment, she insisted that Sonny didn’t need to come with her, but he refused to take no for an answer. It was important for him to see through his responsibility as a father - he was going to be a father - and give her the support she deserved. If she hadn’t been already showing, it would have been hard to believe._

_He waited patiently through the many tests and questions. Rollins learned new things about Sonny that day like about his father’s high blood pressure and how he had a younger sibling he never got to meet._

_It was the first time she felt like things would be okay, sitting there with someone she admired and trusted. As the doctor spreaded a sticky gel over her abdomen, Amanda looked up and tried to read his face. Happy? Terrified? Both? It was his first time doing this and she became a little excited for him. Sonny caught her eyes, her smile was warm like the grow of light that filtered in through the blinds. He molded his hand over her shoulder._

_“There we go,” the doctor said, pulling the corresponding monitor closer to the bed. She pointed at the screen in intervals. “There’s baby one...and there’s baby two.”_

_“What?”_

_“Wait ’a, hang on...two?”_

_“Mhmm. Looks like you’re expecting twins, Amanda.”_

_“Holy...oh wow. Wow. I can’t…”_

_Sonny Carisi had ceased to function. She pushed through the shock. “You’re sure?”_

_“Two strong heartbeats.”_

_The doctor pointed at the little blobs on the screen again. It was hard to tell they were anything at all. Sonny stepped closer to the monitor._

_“That’s incredible.”_

_The corners of her mouth turned up briefly, but Amanda remained otherwise neutral. He on the other hand couldn’t control his excitement._

_When the doctor leaves, she lets out the big sigh she’d been holding back. If she had been his wife, his finance, or anything, he would have kissed her, but their embraces had never been casual, public, or even out of her bedroom._

_“I don’t know if I can do this,” Rollins flatly said._

_The color had left her face and her hands were shaky. She laid there vulnerable and scared as he beamed, blinded to how she felt about the news._

_“Sure you can.” He crouched down to not tower over her on the exam table. “You already are.”_

_“Carisi, this changes everything...I struggle enough with Jesse and Billie, I’m a single mom…”_

_“Listen, you’re a great mom and I’d be here for you no matter what, but that fact that those are my kids, our kids, that’s special to me, it’s important, and no matter what happens, you will never be doing it alone, I promise.”_

_She'd been let down before. “Okay.”_

_He loved her; genuinely, with his whole heart and Sonny never made a promise he couldn’t keep._

\---

“I’ll see you in there. I promise I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

She holds his hand tightly like they’re at the end of the Earth. Sonny steps closer to the bed and leans in to kiss her damp forehead as an affirmation that he’d never let her fall.

They’re both prepared for her surgery. He’s given a sterile yellow gown to put over his clothes. The knot of his tie peaks out at the top and the length contrasts through the thin plastic. Everything had moved too fast for him to think to take it off or loosen his collar. After he puts on covers for his face, hair, and shoes, he shakes anxiety out of his arms. He crinkles like a grocery store bag. In a series of extraordinary events, beginning at this transfer to Manhattan Special Victims Unit, today he’ll be a father.

Amanda’s wheeled into an operating room. She’s flat on her back and once again stares at the ceiling, but she feels nothing below her waist. If she looks down past her cheeks, her vision is filled with a wrinkled faded blue wall that drapes over her chest. She feels helpless tucked under a white sheet and unable to feel her legs.

The door swings open and Carisi follows a nurse in. She hopes their children walk less awkwardly, but is otherwise relieved by his presence. Sonny steps up by her head. His mouth is covered but she sees the soft smile in his eyes. He wants to do something with his hands but doesn’t know what, exactly how he’s searching for the right thing to say.

\---

_Carisi had searched for the right thing to say for years. The woman he’d pined for was having his babies but where they stood was hard to nail. It was confusing; like how she pretended he didn’t exist at work but wanted him to sleep over most nights. He was her satellite, always orbiting, never landing, but he had a purpose._

_The girls had been put to bed. Normally they would have watched TV on the couch for an hour or two, but at that point with the twins, laying down was more comfortable. She kept him emotionally at arm's length because it was even harder to discuss how she felt. There was more at stake. Physically, she liked him closer than that._

_Sonny closed the cover on his tablet at the end of a reality TV episode they put on to watch in her bed. He used the device for work mostly but loved the closeness the 10in screen propped up on a pillow forced. From laying inward on his side, he stretched in the opposite direction and put it on the nightstand before lying back to face her. He rested his head in the crook of his elbow and looked at her a moment before placing his hand on the top of her stomach._

_It was something he’d done with the children of other men, and even then Amanda didn’t hate it. He was just as sweet, just more proud. She looked down and cradled her lower abdomen._

_“Thank you,” he quietly said._

_She furrowed her brow. “Hmm?”_

_“You know...thank you. Thank you for carrying these babies and letting me be a part of it. I know it’s been hard and not what either of us ever expected so I...appreciate you, that’s all.”_

_It was the abridged version of what was in his heart, but already a mother of two, no one had ever thanked her for bringing a child into the world._

_“Well, good...because you’ve got me working overtime.”_

_Sonny smiled, laughed a bit, and moved his hand to follow the curve of her stomach. “Just means I love what’s in here that much more.”_

_“You really mean that.” A statement rather than a question as she hugs herself tighter._

_“Sure do.”_

_Amanda focused on his hand rubbing back and forth over her uneven bump, halfway through and almost the size of Jesse at 39 weeks. She looked up slowly and studied his face until he caught her staring at him. From under her she moved her hand between their bodies and touched his jaw. “It’s so much different this time.”_

_“Because it’s twins?”_

_“Because it’s you.”_

\---

“Amanda we’re going to get started, okay? You might feel some movement, but no pain.”

Her eyes shift and Sonny’s head turns to the doctor beyond the blue curtain. “Okay,” she responds shakily.

He takes his proper place out of the way in a seat behind her head and puts his hands on the pillow “Just focus on me.”

With a deep breath, she nods slightly and stretches her eyes beyond the cap across her forehead to look at him. The first incision is made. She has no idea but soon realizes that it’s all happening - she’s cut open and her children are being born without her doing a thing.

Amanda tries to concentrate on her breathing and the lines around Carisi’s eyes as it’s the only part of his face visible, but her chest grows heavy. Hearing her heartbeat on the monitor increases her anxiety and her breaths become sharp and faster. Sonny moves to touch her shoulders and leans to the side, closer to her cheek.

“Hey, hey, you’re good. You’re doin’ good.” He was idly balancing joy and nausea.

She turns her head towards him. “Talk to me.”

“Okay, okay, sure….uh, remember...when we first met and I had a mustache?”

It never failed to make her laugh a bit. “Yeah.”

“I was just thinkin’ how you wouldn’t be able to see it now if I still had one.”

She empties her lungs fully. “That’s stupid. Keep going.”

“Okay, well--”

_“First baby coming out.”_

Amanda wonders if she spaced out or if it was supposed to be that quick. The eyes above her widen and he squeezes her shoulders before standing up to watch their first child be lifted into the world. It’s a boy. She can’t tell what’s happening and tries to gauge the situation from Sonny’s inability to stay still and his hands covering the mask over his mouth.

“He’s okay?” she calls from below.

“He’s perfect.”

She bites her cheek for a beat, but when she hears that first baby cry, she believes it too. In a blur, another boy is pulled from her abdomen. It’s like deja vu and Carisi watches as the two are reunited across the room before turning fully to their mother.

“You’re incredible,” Sonny says, deeply and affectionately rubbing her shoulder. “Absolutely incredible. I’m so proud of you.”

She doesn’t feel like she did much but weakly grins anyways. He steps in place, completely in awe as he tries to get glimpses of the new little humans wailing in tandem between the doctors and nursing staff. Amanda wishes she could see the full expressions on his face, but she knows he’s overjoyed and it’s beautiful.

Her eyes get soggy as she watches him switch his attention back and forth between her and the boys as they’re weighed and swaddled. She tries to subtlety wipe her eyes. It’s not fear, sadness, or pain: it’s something she’d felt a long time, scarier than the three combined.

Carisi catches her and lingers his hand on her shoulder as he circles to crouch again in the seat behind her. He touches the side of her face with his other hand and hovers over her forehead. She cries a little harder and squeezes her eyes shut, her eyelashes now damp with tears that trail behind her ears. He catches a few with his thumb and focuses on her solely, waiting for her to tell him what’s wrong.

But, nothing’s wrong.

“I...I love you,” she whimpers, then laughs through a soft sob.

“Oh,” he sighs, an almost relief. “Oh, Amanda...Amanda, I love you. I love you too.”

She smiles wider than comfortable and for a moment the world is just them, eyes shifting back and forth with questions they’d have a lifetime to answer and everything else left unsaid.

Sonny pulls his mask to his chin and stretches over and around from behind to kiss her. He’s shaking. It’s soft, quick, but the most meaningful gesture. His arms come around her shoulders, he crosses his wrists over her chest, and keeps his face close until two nurses approach, each holding one of their sons.

He picks up his torso and one of the swaddled babies takes his place on her chest. Amanda instinctually brings her hands around her child and holds him against her sternum.

“Would you like to hold one, Papa?”

This time it isn’t a mistake, an assumption.

“C-Can I?”

Carisi stands back up to meet the second nurse and the swaddled little boy is placed in his arms. He’s held more babies than he could count, but this one is his. “Hey there, champ,” he whispers, swaying gently from the knees, beaming. “You did great, Rollins, they’re so beautiful.”

She lets out a blissful hum and returns her attention to the baby on her chest. He has a little hat on and little wisps of brown hair stick out from underneath. She can’t tell what he looks like yet but has an idea of what he will become.

“Dominick,” Amanda softly says, trying it out.

Sonny picks up his head. “Hmm? Everything okay?”

She’s not talking to him.

“Oh...we don’t gotta...it’s...you’re serious? You like my name? My dad’s name? That’s really what ’cha want?”

“If you do.”

“I-I’d be honored.”

“Dominick,” she repeats with a grin, making sure it feels right. It does. Using Sonny’s name was never the plan, but she doesn’t question it. It’s a family name and they’re family now more than ever.

“Come closer...he needs a name too, you know. What do you think?”

Carisi sits back down next to her. They look identical so young even though they’re not. He doesn’t take long. “Michael.”

“Michael,” she repeats, approvingly. “Mikey, Mike...Mike...like, Dodds?”

“That okay?”

“You two were close, he was a good guy,” she says with a nod, the pain from losing the Sergeant not forgotten. “Michael and Dominick.”

Sonny gently kisses the top of Michael’s head before placing him next to his brother on Amanda’s chest with the help of a nurse. They had Jesse, Billie, Mikey, and Dom. Their sons were two new markers: the day Dominick Carisi Jr. became more than a godfather and the day Amanda Rollins gave him her whole heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Big shoutout to the SVU Discord for encouraging and inspiring this ily.


End file.
